Kissing Cousins

Come on, we’ve all done it…right?

Having a crush on the cute boy cousin, or first kisses in a kiddy pool at age 4, that stuff happens right?

Well my story is EXACTLY like that…almost.

A handsome man walks into a bar and says, “I’d like to buy a rum and coke for that pretty lady down the bar, and three shots of your strongest alcohol.”

The pretty lady accepts the drink and smiles at the handsome man. He takes a shot.

The bartender says, “Man, it looks like your night is going better than mine.”

The handsome man says, “You would think, wouldn’t you?” He takes another shot.

The bartender looks confused, “What are you talking about? She is gorgeous!”

The handsome man takes the third shot, “Yeah I know. Can I have two more?”

The bartender pours, still confused, “Then why are you drinking like you want to forget tonight, man?”

The handsome man pulls in one glass and pushes the other back to the bartender, they take the final shot together.

“She is my cousin.”

Then… idk the bartender pukes.


If you haven’t guessed by now, I kissed my cousin.

I learned that I can’t just say that without an explanation. First, people assume/hope that I am talking about a childhood thing. I wish I was.  Or, the mind jumps to toothless Appalachians, inbreeding, having children with tails or teeth growing out of their forehead. We, as two grown ass adults who know better (or at least passed 6th grade science and understand how genetics work), smooched. BUT my explanation is fairly simple:

Weddings make people do weird things.

Feigning celebration for the happy couple as you swan dive into a pitiful armpit of depression as you realize how lonely you are + open bar = kissing cousins.

It kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? Well either way, we were drunk and it was a silly one-time thing. No BIG deal. It’s, like the most cliche taboo in the books. Even D’Angelou has a lyric about it, “Reminiscing over what you’ve been missing/Could be just like cousins kissing/That’s taboo”. (I use D’Angelou lyrics as a moral compass by the way).

But the other day, homie texts me…

“Something, something we don’t talk anymore, blah blah, you haven’t invited me out in the city yet, blarney blarney, Come on, SHOW SOME INITIATIVE.

Exsqueeze me, sir? Show some initiative? I think you have forgotten one vital piece of information in this whole situation, oh yeah, that’s right, we emerged soaking wet into this world from the same fucking gene pool! The day after, I literally had to google “laws about kissing cousins” to know if what we did was a felony. And you have the audacity to tell me to “show some initiative“? Bro. I thought there was a mutual agreement to never acknowledge the drunken face bumping EVER AGAIN. I have so much to say, I cannot formulate a response.

So I text him back: “show some initiative”?? lol are you for real?

I shake my head, laugh incredulously, put my phone back in my pocket, think of how he has lost touch of reality as well as how awkward the next family reunion will be.





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