You Really Took My Breath Away

What are dates as of late?

Let’s start with New Years Eve. I work at the front desk of a gym and a few weeks ago, one of the members, MEMBER, asked for my number. After acquiring it, he quite rapidly asked me on a date. Then it turned into him begging to take me on a date. It even came down to, “time is a cruel illusion when we aren’t together”. In my head I am like, “Slow down, bud, you don’t even know my middle name”.

Anyways, my NYE plans fall through and MEMBER asks me to go on a date with him once again. Alright, fine – it’s either that or watching Netflix with my cat. He picks me up (kudos, because in Chicago it is usually every man for himself) and we go to a cool pizza place. Other than being a terrible story teller, he is an interesting dude and I am glad that I got to know him better.

BUT

  • I was wearing a maroon 3/4 sleeve skater dress with black patterned tights, black high heels, hair and makeup done and he was wearing a sweat suit. He just came from the gym… Don’t get me wrong, I love a good sweat suit, but it is New Years Eve, homie has been trying to take me out for weeks, and his house is super close to my house, coulda just stopped and changed right quick… but no.
  • I sit down across from him at the restaurant, he looks at me and says, “You’re so cute, you’re just so hot.” umm thanks. I can tell you really thought about that one! If you are about to compliment me, I want it to be something original, like you are making a unique observation. I am allergic to generic compliments. “Hot” and “cute” girls are a dime a dozen, and I sure as hell am not a dime a dozen. I know it is a nice thing to say, but there was no prelude, no explanation – just splat, here.
  • So the dinner and drinks commence, he learns a lot about me including that I recently graduated college, moved here by myself, am working my ass off at minimum wage jobs while exhausting myself pursuing a career in the arts, all in all broke as fuck. And I learn about him, including he works in rich Chicago suburbia and is the manager of an IT team, all in all not broke as fuck. But the check comes AND HOMIE DOESN’T PAY FOR MY MEAL. I’m like, bro, I got a slice of pizza and a couple beers. You can’t spare $15 after begging me to go on this date with you for weeks??? 
  • Get back into the car, it is warming up, we are just chatting, laughing about something – he dives in and kisses me out of nowhere!!! Come on man. Also, I know it is winter, but put on some chap stick.

I had MEMBER drop me off at my house before midnight so I didn’t have to kiss him when the ball dropped. Woops, sorry, I would rather kiss my cat.

Yesterday, I am having a conversation with a coworker, GYM. I tell him I am going to grab some food then go work out. He offers to accompany me, I oblige, he pays for my meal (thank you, sir). It is all fine and dandy, we part ways, I work out and go home. Then I get a text,

“Let’s do something”

This is after I have already changed into jimjams for the night. I tell GYM there is no way I am leaving my apartment or changing out of my pajamas, so if anything, he can come over and we can watch a movie. So, now, things get super annoying.

  • Brings over half a 12 pack of Budweiser – way to go all out for me, tiger. If you like Bud, I don’t even know what to say . Cool if you are a middle aged dude on a golf course or boat, college student, or already drunk. But don’t bring it over as an enjoyable, casual beverage for you and the girl you are trying to woo.(and I love beer! just good beer…)
  • Would not stop talking about how many girls he has fucked, how good he is at fucking, how he loves eating pussy, how he loves when girls squirt in his mouth. While simultaneously convincing me (in vain) that he is not a fuck boy, and doesn’t want it that bad. (eye brows raised quizzically, really?)
  • Talks about him and I having sex more as a “when” more than an “if”. Sorry, sir, you have just ruined any chance of me possibly sleeping with you. Even though you have a good body, handsome face and make me laugh. I just can’t now.
  • I lean back on the couch, we are mid conversation, then he just goes in for the kiss!! Again out of nowhere!! Gentlemen, pick up the first kiss game, please. Watch a few rom coms, or the Ross and Rachel highlight reel. None of them happen like this.

Long story short, after kissing GYM for a little bit I told him I was on my period. He promptly  went to pull down his pants as if to say “oh that’s fine, you can just blow me instead”. PA-HA! No such thing, you can please leave, I will watch a movie with my cat.

Keep in mind as well that these are grown ass men, mid twenties, I am not even in college anymore! The funny thing is, is that I am not a high maintenance girl, I am not asking for a lot.  Honestly I would rather share a bottle of wine and play bananagrams as a first date than have a dude take me out to a fancy dinner. I don’t think I am being unreasonable, but the past few dates have left me kind of hopeless.

Congrats, boys, you really took my breath away!

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2 thoughts on “You Really Took My Breath Away

  1. Wow, just wow. I can’t believe you gave these guys as many chances as you did with so many serious fumbles on their part. Sure, I would expect a girl who is interested in me to excuse a couple little faux pas or maybe 1 major fumble (I mean we’re all human), but nothing to the level of these jokers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh romance, sure is grand, ain’t it? These millennials are blowing me away!! Honestly, the worst part about all of this for me is I can’t sustain male friendships because they want to date me. Then when I finally give in, they treat me like this. And I’m just like, really guys? If you want to be my bro, fine, but if you want to take me out on a date, take it up a notch. They are certainly jokers, it is just a little painful to laugh.

      Like

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