Oakland Booty

In case you haven’t noticed,

I have a great ass.


We hear women with large breasts talk about all of the reasons why XL ladies aren’t all that they cracked up to be, but we never hear about ladies complain about having large asses.

Well, we don’t complain.


But(t) on the real, there are a few disadvantages.

All your pants need to be stretchy.

Pants that fit my waist do not, I repeat DO NOT fit my ass. I have torn off belt loops in dressing rooms and torn huge holes in jeans just from bending over. Cotton/spandex blends are my BFF.


Swimsuits/undies/spandex shorts inevitably creep up your crack. As you can see in the photo, all I was doing was LAYING THERE and my swimsuit was heading to the deep unknown.

Every style of underwear show the bottom of your cheeks.

There isn’t really a choice of how modest you want your undies to be, the butt cheeks are always out. Boy shorts, bikini, hipsters, they are all “cheekies” and after some vigorous activity, they are pretty much a thong.

Guys ALWAYS want to hit it from behind.

I mean, I do enjoy it on occasion, but it gets a little boring doggy style staring at the pillows or reverse cowboy staring at their feet do weird toe-curly things.

Everyone wants to touch your butt.

The first time someone touched my butt with out permission was 8th grade. And this persisted all through middle/high school. Now what if a dude grabbed a boob? That would get a high school boy suspended as fuck.

Now lets talk “butt stuff”

Personally, I don’t understand. Poop comes out of there. What is attractive about that? My personal preference aside, I understand that some people love it. To each, their own, and I really mean that! I gave it a try, a solid collegiate effort, and then I made my decision. I understand the biology of it, how anatomically, in theory, it can feel good for both men and women. BUT if I am not relaxed enough, I am not going to enjoy SHIT. (see what I did there?) And you know a great way to jerk someone out of a super sexy mood? Sicking your thumb up their butt without warning. Yeah, it really ruins the mood, guys. Let me just say that unless I invite your appendages in or towards my butt hole, I don’t want them there. And if I push your hand away ONCE, that’s not me saying, “please, try that again two minutes later after I have warmed up to the idea”. Naw, that is me saying “gtf away from that, never again, bud”. There are many ways to appreciate an ass. Touch my butt all you want, look at it all you want, just don’t explore my colon, please, it is gross up there. So here are some words of wisdom,

  1. Don’t assume a woman (or any partner) isn’t as well versed in bed as you are. If they push you away from something it isn’t always because they haven’t tried it yet and they are scared. Sometimes they have tried it and know FOR SURE that they don’t like it. Either way, be receptive, if someone pushes you away from something, don’t try it again. Like I said before, your partner isn’t going to enjoy anything if they don’t feel comfortable and relaxed.
  2. If you are going to delve into butt things, know where your appendages have been and where they shouldn’t be afterward… If you stick anything up the bum don’t put it back in their vagina or mouth or your mouth. That is a sure way to give her a bladder infection or make someone sick. Bacteria. It is real. Don’t play games with the microbial world, you will always lose.
  3. There are many ways to appreciate an ass, so don’t get bent out of shape when your partner doesn’t want to be appreciated the way you want to appreciate them. Get over it.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s